I didn’t expect to start ugly crying within minutes of going online tonight, but when I read about your passing, the tears flowed like a waterfall, and I felt as if my heart was ripped straight out of my chest.
It’s not fair. So much of this past year has been about various ways and levels of loss, and now I cannot believe that you’re gone, too.
See, my heart is still hurting from the passing of St. Patrick, but then you came along, and your lovely, happy, sugar face just stole it in an instant. And when I found out you were actually born on March 17, aka St. Patrick’s Day? I cried, because I took it as a sign that somehow, you’re a gift from St. Patrick the Dog himself. And in many ways you truly were, you made so many of us forget about our everyday pains and struggles; just the sight of you in the Daily Snaps soothed our sad, weary souls.
You’re so unbelievably beautiful. I just wanted to hug you, to protect you, and make sure that you experience all the love and peace and happiness, because you deserve nothing less.
How can you resist this beautiful soul?
Cheggs and his Cheese Wagon
There are some things in life that are difficult to explain, but the wonder that is You isn’t one of them:
You were imperfectly perfect, and you owned/celebrated it. We loved you in all your brokenness, because each of us can see a part of our fragile and broken selves in you, too.
You were the warmth and softness that our hard, abrasive shells needed in these crushing, trying times.
You showed us the beauty of gratitude, of mindfulness, and being in the moment. You were the serenity in the midst of wonderful chaos.
You were a rainbow, a spectrum of colors that brought both comfort and delight.
You were a light, the possibility-filled sunrise when it’s dark in our heads and the soothing sunset when we are too overwhelmed.
Manchego and his tropical crown
And most of all, You taught me that hearts are capable of loving over and over again, with all the enthusiasm and intensity, no matter the risk of hurt and loss. Because love is always worth it.
You were worth it.
I am devastated, but I am also beyond grateful. I’m grateful you came into our lives and gave us such immeasurable joy. Our time with you was so ridiculously short, but it was more than enough to immortalize you in our sappy, sentimental hearts. You were the best surprise gift, and I will always, always, cherish you.
How is it possible to miss a dog you’ve never even met?
I am a fan of things. And of people. And of creatures. When I love, I love all the way. I’ve long been a fan of The Golden Ratio Squad, but I instantly fell head over heels in love with you at first sight last year. Maybe it was those haunting, soulful eyes. Or your adorable shaggy fur. Or your mysterious aura. Actually, it was all of them. Somehow, my heart chose you, and it was never the same since.
Every day, I looked forward to seeing your sweet, gorgeous face. I listened to all the GR podcasts that talked about you. Your past was shrouded in mystery, but with the help of The GR family, you got your chance at a happy ever after. When I discovered you loved looking at yourself in mirrors, I cried because it was the most heartbreakingly beautiful thing. Every head spike check, every zoomed-in shot of your muppet paws, every french fry chomp, every roasty carrot tip munch, every mirror check brought a smile to my face and warmth to my heart.
I was once an artist constantly burdened by the “Is my work ever good enough” syndrome, but the moment I drew you looking in the mirror changed all that.
You inspired me. You somehow gave me the courage to share my drawings and to discover new ways in which I can express myself through art. Whenever I sketched you, I felt a sense of calm and contentment. Each time I drew you, I got a bit teary-eyed after, just getting overwhelmed at how much I loved your existence, no big deal. To quote Bob Ross, “God sure was having a good day when he made (you).”
Because of you, I’ve learned to appreciate the value of: *Enjoying french fries. Or chips. Or random snacks. And eating only when you want to, set schedules be damned. *Taking naps throughout the day, especially when it’s not just your body that’s exhausted but your soul as well. *Letting the wind flow through and working it, instead of fighting against it. *Basking in every victory–no matter how tiny–like being able to do mini-zoomies and jumping through tree roots even with your weakened hind legs. *Introverting, because one can perfectly be unapologetic for not wanting to be social all the time. *Embracing and owning imperfections. The world loved you just the way you are, even if you did try to eat a lit candleβ¦
You were like a beacon of hope. You symbolized that no matter how sordid or sad your past may be, there is always a chance of getting to a place where boundless love, acceptance, (treats,) and peace exist. I cheered, prayed, and unabashedly fangirled for/over you. So many of us all over the world did. Heck, I legit have a folder in my mobile phone with all of your photos and gifs that I browse through whenever I get sad and/or need a serotonin boost. You were a balm to my pandemic-weary mind, heart, and soul.
There were times when I laid awake at night, wallowing in quiet despair and wondering what’s even the point of a tomorrow. But then a part of me goes, “Well, tomorrow you’ll see new The Golden Ratio snaps and St. Patrick will be on it” and suddenly things don’t seem so bleak anymore. It seems silly, isn’t it? That more than the major things and people, sometimes it’s those little things that make us hold on to life a little bit longer.
You never loved me back, or even knew of my existence, and that’s okay. I loved you and that was enough for me.
Seven months. Seven short months. That was all we had of you. But they were seven months filled with wonderful, adorable, sweet, funny, sometimes scary, and bittersweet unforgettable moments. They were all completely worth it.
You were so unbelievably special. You came and you stole hearts all over the world and touched our lives in ways you couldn’t even fathom, and now I’m not sure how that piece of my heart reserved for you is going to cope because I already miss you so much, it hurts.
Thank you for everything, St. Patrick. Thank you for being shaggy, fluffy, fantastic. Thank you for being you.
(GR Mom and GR Dad, in case you ever get to read this: Thank you so much for giving St. Patrick a home and a family and for loving him with all of your golden hearts. I am forever in awe of your generosity, resilience, and remarkable sense of humor. Thank you for sharing St. Patrick to the rest of the world and for allowing us to experience the joy of his last few months. I will never forget the kindness.)
Tomorrow, the sun will rise again, but it will shine just that tiny bit brighter because in my heart, I believe you and your spirit will make it so.
Rest well, St. Patrick. π
Always, Marj (Your Biggest Fan This Side of The World)
(P. S. You’re always welcome to come visit me in my dreams.)